How to let go of controlling others or the circumstances in your life.

If we let go of control, does life actually get better?

This was one of the first questions I asked myself when I was confronted about being controlling.

I used to take pride in being the go-to-guy. When someone wanted to make shit happen, they knew they could count on me.

And the identity I attached myself to because of this blocked me.

It stopped me from seeing how I was being controlling and how detrimental it was to my life experience.

I had a mindset that enabled me to be persistent and it led me to book one of the biggest superstars in the world to host an event I produced.

This is what made it difficult to see my controlling ways, let alone see their negative impact on my life.

“So what if I was controlling”…it was I said to myself. “I make big shit happen.”

But the truth is, even though I achieved such a feat, my life was shit. I could barely make money, was often feeling insecure, and I was often very reactive.

I didn't realize it, but my ego was fully in the driver's seat of my life.

Unconsciously, my desire to have this superstar host my event was driven by a need to control how others perceived me. It was a strategy I thought was necessary in order to get my needs met.

Many years had gone by before I was able to recognize this.

And it was only recently that I was finally able to recognize the consequences of my tendencies to seek control.

So I’m writing this memo in hopes that you won’t have to take years to learn the lessons I have, and continue to learn.

Buckle up.

THE CONSEQUENCES THAT COME FROM ATTEMPTING TO BE IN CONTROL

In a previous memo, I discussed the consequences of not knowing ourselves, which leads us to pursue dreams that aren't truly ours.

For me, this manifested in my pursuit to work with many household names and it drove many other experiences in my life. This was due to the influence of societal expectations and an unconscious need for validation from my family and friends.

To achieve this vision, I sought to control every aspect of my life—my appearance, social circle, living situation, and my career.

Here’s what I’ve discovered are the consequences of our attempts to control:

1. Disconnection from your true self: When driven by ego-driven ideals, you neglect your true self's guidance, making it difficult to find fulfillment.
   

2. Loss of energy: Focusing on control drains your connection to Universal Intelligence, resulting in a lack of mojo which turn into fatigue and stress.
   

3. Difficulty in creation: Without a strong connection to your true self, creating becomes challenging. Everything you do will demand more energy and time.
   

4. Limited fulfillment and joy: When you pursue ego-driven desires, it limits your ability to experience true fulfillment, happiness, and love.
   

Living a life controlled by ego might seem comfortable, but it deprives you of meaningful experiences that are only a result of being aligned with your true self.

WHY WE TRY TO CONTROL

If you don’t develop an understanding of why you try to control aspects of your life, it’ll be much harder to let go of control.

So what’s at the root of why we control?

Very simply, it’s driven by a desire to keep your ass alive.

Which seems like a very normal and smart thing to focus on, right?

Well, heres the thing.

Keeping yourself alive is just one aspect of being a human.

If that’s all you want out of life, then so be it.

But if you want to live a more expansive life…then keep reading.

To live a life that is fully realized, it requires you to get out of your comfort zone.

This can’t happen if you’re allowing your ego to take the wheel and drive your life.

When you have a better understanding of why this is happening, it’ll be easier to let go of control.

Here are some reasons why you may be attempting to control:

• Fear of feelings: This is largely a result of being conditioned to believe that some of our emotions and feelings are ”negative” or “bad”. This causes you to become afraid of them and do your best to avoid them. Avoidance of "negative" emotions leads to controlling external circumstances to so that your emotions don’t get triggered.
  

• Lack of self-trust: If you aren’t well practiced and comfortable in being with certain emotions, then very often the result is lack trust in yourself. You will most likely perceive this as lack of trust in others and how external circumstances play out - but deep down what you don’t trust is how you may react to certain emotions you feel.
  

So because you’re afraid of how you may react and are afraid of the conflict your reaction may lead to, you attempt to control external circumstances to prevent those emotions from getting triggered within you.

• Feeling unsafe: When we are children and we experience conflict, turmoil, or something that is disturbing, our normal response is to go to our parents or main caretakers for soothing and to feel safe. Yet if you have experiences of conflict without proper soothing, this forms a belief that the world isn't safe, which eventually leads to a tendency to control as an attempt to feel secure.
  

Although these are the most common reasons people try to control others and their lives, there are others that aren’t on this list. Also, the reasons listed above have many nuances that cannot be explained in this memo. In order for you to understand what drives your desire to control, you’ve got to do some digging.

Here are some steps you can take to better understand why you may be attempting to control your life and how to let go.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE LET GO OF CONTROL?

At the beginning of this memo, I questioned whether it was worth it to stop controlling aspects of my life. Now that you see its detrimental effects, you might be wondering how your life could change if you let go.

Here's what you can look forward to:

• Less stress, more relaxation: when you try to control your life, you are literally a ball of tense muscles walking around. Attempting to control tightens your muscles, which makes it uncomfortable to exist in life. When you let go, you experience less tension and more relaxation.
  

• Increased intuition: When you let go, the ego loses its hold. This enables you to focus on your connection to Universal Intelligence and receive guidance that moves you toward a more fully expressed and fulfilling life.
  

• More energy: When you’re finally able to kick your ego to the curb, your connection to Universal intelligence increases. This results in a greater capacity to conserve life force energy while reducing reactivity to external circumstances.
  

• Easier creation: Letting go results in a greater opportunity to create from joy rather than necessity. This way of being and the openness it comes with bring more meaningful relationships, improved health, and more synchronicities in life.

HOW DO WE LET GO OF CONTROL?

The following are a few steps you can take to let go of control.

DEVELOP SELF AWARENESS

A necessary step in the process of letting go, is developing your self awareness.

Without it, recognizing when you're holding onto something becomes challenging.

Being self-aware helps identify attachments you have to specific outcomes or ideas. When this is recognized, you can address the mechanisms driving your need for control.

To develop self-awareness, it requires you to dedicate time to being present with yourself. I suggest that you explore various practices to find what resonates best for you.

I prefer using the coherence training method from the HeartMath Institute.

Regardless of the practice you choose, prioritize daily time and space for self-reflection.

This cultivates the clarity needed to recognize when it's time to let go.

DEVELOP YOUR INTERNAL CONSTITUTION

If you can’t be with feelings that arise within you, you’ll most likely try to control others and external circumstances so that you can avoid experiencing those feelings that you experience as uncomfortable.

One of the best practices to get better with experiencing uncomfortable feelings is to choose a significant goal that is somewhat difficult to achieve.

The reason this works is that when you go after something that feels meaningful and important to you, it’ll automatically trigger all of the mechanisms that will keep you from achieving that goal.

By leaning into those uncomfortable feelings and learning how to take action even when those feelings are present, you’ll train yourself over time to be with those uncomfortable feelings.

It’s similar to what happens when you weight train in the gym.

As you move up in loads, your body begins to adapt over time to heavier and heavier loads. This is the same concept that enables you to deal with heavier “emotional loads”, each time you lean into an uncomfortable emotion and take action.

When you build your internal constitution, you then become less impacted by any emotions you feel. This will then result in external experiences which reflect your strong constitution. This may look like kinder and more gentle life experiences that don’t feel as harsh.

REMOVE THE SIGNIFICANCE YOU GIVE TO SOMEONE OR SOMETHING

When we place TOO MUCH significance or importance onto a person, place, or thing, an unhealthy attachment gets created.

What this means is either subconsciously, or consciously, there is a belief that you either cannot live without - or life would be better with - that person, place, or thing.

Orienting in any of these ways reveals that you are not in acceptance of the current relationship you have with that person, place, or thing.

Internally, you are creating resistance - which constricts your connection to Universal Intelligence. This causes you to be disconnected from your true self and limits your access to information that would lead you to receiving what you desire.

Instead, you emit a frequency that attracts experiences mirroring the underlying resistance and constriction you are giving power to. These experiences subsequently evoke more painful and uncomfortable feelings, which are ultimately a manifestation of your resistance and constriction.

By not placing too much of a significance on any person, place, or thing, you maintain alignment with your true self and Universal Intelligence. This alignment is experienced as lightness and excitement when you place your attention on that which you desire.

BE IN ACCORDANCE WITH NATURE

This step involves recognizing your connection to a universal system which enables you to trust that Life will provide for your essential needs when you align with it.

Think of trees, who are anchored in one place for their entire life, yet are able to receive all they need to thrive because of their alignment to this system.

Re-orienting in this way frees you from being dependent on external sources such as individuals, governmental entities, or organizations to get your needs met. It also releases you from the idea that you must exert control, force, or serve as the sole creator of your necessities.

You can then relax into the flow of Life as you embrace your true self, and generously share your talents and gifts without being blocked by feelings of scarcity or lack.

In my opinion, letting go of control is one of the most important acts you can achieve in life.

If you’re able to do this, you’ll be more relaxed, grounded, and free - which are necessary traits for living the most joyful and fulfilling life.

Unfortunately, because most fail to let go, it is rare to come across models that you can find inspiration from. Without solid models, it becomes that much more challenging to achieve this feat. With that said, you have the opportunity to receive support by retaining my consulting services or applying for the 3 month Creatorship program.

Although it may seem like a difficult uphill climb, just remember that you only have to take one step at a time. Then eventually, you’ll look up one day and realize how far you’ve come. That place may be on the other side of letting go!

Good luck, and don’t hesitate to reach out.

Catch you on the rocket ship,

Jay